


Girl Help, I've Been Sold to a One Direction Knockoff

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Titans (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boy Band, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, also sorry kara for making you a crazy wick shipper please forgive me 😔, alternative title: birdflash stylinson abomination, mentioned kory/donna, mentioned roy/jason, otherwise i literally know nothing about the band or the larry ship, steph doesn't have many friends to choose from, the best part is i never had a one direction phase aside from a month or two in fifth grade, the research was.......alarming, this is the worst thing ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29901675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: A month or two ago, my chaotic and wonderful friend Kon sent me a fic request from hell:"Can you write a fic where Dick Grayson and Wally West are the biggest ship of the biggest boy band in the world, and Steph has to deal with her friends trying to convince her of this and Steph can't reveal she's dating Dick's brother. It's up to you whether birdflash is real and whether Steph knows about Dick's love life. Do deep research into the Larry Stylinson fandom, I dare you. But come back alive."And because I have a thriving passion for nonsense, I wrote the cursed thing and a good time was had by all. A few weeks later I mentioned the fic in passing and my followers latched onto it like ravenous spider monkeys, which culminated in me making a contest of sorts where if I didn't reach 10,000 words on my current fic chapter by the end of the week, I'd have to post the fic as punishment for all the world to see. I ended up winning by sixteen words, but I felt bad for all the hype it got and posted the fic anyway against my own better judgment. So...this is that. Yeah.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Wally West, Stephanie Brown & Kara Zor-El, Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake
Comments: 18
Kudos: 114





	Girl Help, I've Been Sold to a One Direction Knockoff

**Author's Note:**

> I have no words for this. I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry Jesus. I'm sorry humanity.
> 
> (For all of you who are waiting for the next chapter of the Foster Dad AU fic, I promise it'll be out soon-ish! That was the fic I just mentioned where I needed 10,000 words, and it's still a rough draft but I anticipate the chapter will be posted sometime in the next two weeks, hopefully.)

“I feel like you’re not paying attention.”  
  
“I’m paying attention.”  
  
“You’re doing homework.”  
  
“Yeah. _And_ paying attention. I’m a good multi-tasker.” Steph erases half of the equation she’s working on. “Can derivatives be negative? I think I’m doing this wrong. What’d you get for twelve?”  
  
Kara scowls. “Are you hearing the same album I’m hearing right now? We’re in the presence of musical _perfection,_ Steph. The least you could do is show your respect.” She grabs her phone from the foot of her bed and turns the volume higher.   
  
Steph is starting to regret coming to Kara’s house. She should have known better than to initiate contact on the same day as the new Titans album dropping. Kara insisted that she wouldn’t let Stephanie off the hook until she listened to every single song. Steph tried valiantly to pay attention at the beginning, but gave up at some point between “Summer Fling” and “You Make Me Wanna Dance.”   
  
(Seriously, what is it with boy bands and every song being something along the lines of “tonight is the night so let’s hook up” or “you have eyes and hair and skin, which means you’re exactly my type”? People go gaga for the most mediocre and asinine things these days.)  
  
Not that the Titans are _bad,_ per se. The most popular band in the world doesn’t reach that status without talent, of which the Titans have plenty.   
  
Kara sings along to the lyrics like they’re her life force, soaking in the “angelic harmonies from the mouths of literal gods, powerful enough to resurrect the dead.” Or something like that. If that’s not enough, Kara’s bedroom reflects her enthusiasm tenfold. The walls are decked out in dozens of band posters, at least half of them centered on Dick Grayson’s face, ass, or both. That, coupled with her Titans bedspread, makes her room more of a Titans shrine than a bedroom.  
  
The same goes for just about every teenage girl at their school, embarrassingly enough. Though Steph has to admit, some of the hype is worthwhile. The Buzzfeed quizzes are entertaining, at the very least. (Steph took the “Which Titans Member Is Your Soulmate?” one last week and got Roy, which is the quiz equivalent of biting into a cupcake and finding ketchup in the middle.)  
  
Steph could definitely do without the creepy memes, though. Cullen Row once sent her a picture that was just Garth’s face with the caption: “Imagine Garth sleeping under your bed at night and gently licking your toes while you sleep,” along with several heart-eyes emojis. No context whatsoever. Steph still doesn’t know if he was serious or not.  
  
Kara clutches her chest. “God, these lyrics are _gorgeous.”_  
  
Steph shrugs. “I’ve heard better.”  
  
“You know what? That’s fair. I respect your opinion, even if that opinion is wrong.” Kara rolls onto her back with her head hanging over the edge of the mattress. Her blonde ponytail brushes the carpet. She scrolls through the album and picks a new song. “God, the album only came out this morning and I’ve already listened to it a million times. I want it played at my wedding. And my funeral. And my eighty-second birthday.”  
  
“Not your eighty-first? Fake fan. I’m embarrassed to be near you.”  
  
Kara ignores her. “And is it just me, or is ‘All For You’ just _packed_ with Wick vibes? Especially the second verse—the way Dick and Wally alternate the lyrics while the others take the background? That _can’t_ be a coincidence. They’re fucking. It’s the only valid conclusion.”  
  
“You have a problem.” As if Kara’s bedroom shrine and homemade “Light the Wick” t-shirt didn’t already make that point glaringly obvious.  
  
The Titans came into popularity five years ago after their first album was released, and have since then stuck themselves in the minds of the world’s teens like a tumor. Steph makes a point of staying out of it for the most part. Unfortunately for her, Kara has few reservations when it comes to turning every conversation back to the Titans.   
  
_“Hey, Kara, check out this song.”_ _  
__  
__“Cool! But you know what’s better? The Titans.”_ _  
__  
__“I just got a goldfish. His name is Swimmy.”_ _  
__  
__“Did you know that Garth from the Titans has an aquarium in his apartment that takes up a whole wall?”_ _  
__  
__“I got a paper cut on my thumb.”_ _  
__  
__“I’ll bet the Titans get paper cuts.”_  
  
Steph’s mind is a dumpster fire of unwanted information on a band she neither listens to nor cares about. She could write biographies for each of the band members—Wally, Garth, Dick, Donna, and Roy—with details ranging from their roles in the group, to their favorite ice cream flavors, to what they were doing on October seventh, 2017. Everything the five Titans do is monitored and cataloged by their followers and turned into obsessions, like Roy’s weird thing for spoons and that video of Donna tackling a fan for groping Dick on a subway, which went viral in less than twelve hours.   
  
And then there’s Wick. The infamous Dick Grayson/Wally West ship, which has gained a cult following over the years and has grown to ungodly levels of popularity. It is a tidal wave crashing over the souls of teenage girls everywhere. The fact that Dick is currently dating supermodel Kori Anders doesn’t do a thing to stop the theories.   
  
“Did you watch the video I sent you last night?” Kara asks.   
  
“It was literally just a compilation of Dick and Wally standing next to each other.”  
  
“You’re not seeing the _subtext.”_ Kara sits up and pauses the song. “Everything changes when you take into account their secret relationship behind the scenes. Trust me, I have a million pics from interviews where they give each other a ton of non-platonic looks. It’s like they’re making out with each other telepathically.”  
  
“Or maybe they’re just friends who have eyes.”  
  
_“You_ don’t have eyes. They’re clearly in love.” Kara turns her phone around so Steph can see. “There is no heterosexual explanation for this.”  
  
The photo shows all five band members sitting on a staircase (why are all of their group pictures on stairs?) with Dick in the back between Donna and Roy, and Wally in the foreground with Garth. Garth is in the middle of talking, while Dick and Wally stare at each other with their lips upturned and Dick’s hand in Wally’s hair.  
  
Steph gives the phone back. “Maybe he had gum in his hair.”  
  
“They’re dating.”  
  
“They’re _not_ dating. You’re reading too much into it.”  
  
“Have you _seen_ them? They’re _always_ touching each other.” Which is true. There are hundreds of photos swarming the internet that feature them hugging, them holding hands, Dick riding on Wally’s back, Wally sitting in Dick’s lap, and a thousand other compromising positions. No one can say that the theories come from thin air.   
  
“A real Titans fan would know that Dick is big on physical contact,” Steph points out. “And doesn’t he cuddle with Donna on the regular? Where are the theories about _them_ being a couple?”  
  
“That’s different. It’s gay solidarity.”  
  
“I thought she was dating Roy.”  
  
Kara groans. “Did you even _look_ at my PowerPoint? Donna is dating Kori and Roy is dating Dick’s brother. They’re just each other’s beards. That’s what the first verse of ‘Secret Love’ was about, _obviously.”_  
  
Steph rolls her eyes. “Obviously.” She goes back to her homework. “To be honest, I feel pretty bad for them. It must suck knowing that a bunch of teenagers are tracking your every move and writing smutty stories about you behind your back.”  
  
“It’s _literature,”_ Kara insists. “And it’s the best source of content until the band stops being so secretive. Plus, I crave Gar the Pigeon content.”  
  
“They have a pigeon?”  
  
“Yes, and he’s the band’s honorary sixth member.”  
  
“You know, I’m pretty sure there’s a support group somewhere for people like you. You should look into it.”  
  
Kara sticks out her tongue. “The day Wick confesses they’re dating each other, I’m going to rub it in your face every day until we die.”  
  
“Never gonna happen.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Tim picks Steph up an hour later and they head back to his house. Steph slams the front door behind her as she enters the mansion. “I hope you appreciate the lengths I go to for this family,” she announces in lieu of a proper greeting. Tim trails behind her, amused as she makes for the living room.   
  
Wally and Dick are sitting together on the couch with Wally’s arm around Dick, drumming beats on his shoulder with his fingertips. They’re watching one of Dick’s cop shows, a bowl of potato chips perched between them.    
  
“Hey, Steph,” Dick says. He’s in a Gotham Knights hoodie and jeans—severely less glamorous than his stage look, as is Wally’s outfit. It’s no wonder the two of them are able to fly under the radar in Gotham, so long as they wear sunglasses and don’t reveal too much of their faces.   
  
Steph flips him off. “Famous people are the  _ worst.” _   
  
“She just came back from Kara’s,” Tim explains.   
  
“She still hasn’t given up?” Dick asks.   
  
Steph flops into the armchair closest to the television with a sigh. Tim disappears into the kitchen. “If I have to watch one more Wick compilation set to shitty romantic music, my head is going to explode.”   
  
Wally arches an eyebrow. “Hey, now. Those ballads are lucrative as hell.”   
  
“And you have to admit, some of those videos are really tasteful. Did you see the one about us in a Victorian forbidden romance AU? I teared up a little watching it.”   
  
“Oh my god, and the fanfics?” Wally kisses his fingers like a chef. “Extraordinary.”   
  
Dick nods. “My favorite is the one about the girl’s mom selling her to the band as a sex slave to pay off her gambling debts.”   
  
“Babe,  _ please  _ send me a link to that.”   
  
Tim returns, dipping a celery stick into a jar of peanut butter. “You guys shouldn’t be condoning this. You’re just spurring the fans on by publicly supporting the theory.”   
  
“We’re not supporting it,” Wally says. “We’re just...showing our amusement. What’s the harm in that? Our friendship  _ is  _ pretty great.”   
  
“No homo,” Dick agrees. “Good, old-fashioned, platonic love.” He kisses Wally, grinning.   
  
Steph makes a face. “Could you at least  _ try  _ to be more subtle? The whole point of a secret relationship is being  _ secretive  _ about it.”   
  
“I’m super secretive,” Wally says. He faces his boyfriend. “Dick, I’m secretly in love with you.”   
  
“I’m secretly in love with you too, snookums.” Dick flashes Steph a grin. “See? Very secretive.”   
  
“And you wonder why everyone is so obsessed with your relationship,” Steph says. “Every five seconds the world freaks out about some new weird thing you guys did. You know they’re tracking your dentist appointments, right? There’s a whole theory about how you go to the same dentist every month as an excuse to hook up in the parking lot.”   
  
Dick frowns. “They think I go to the dentist that often? I thought I had nice teeth.” He turns to Wally. “I have nice teeth, right?”   
  
“Your teeth are gorgeous, babe.”   
  
Tim breaks his celery down the middle and offers half to Steph. “How much longer do you two plan to be in town? It sucks not being able to invite anyone but Steph over in case they realize my stupid brother is the same Dick from the Titans.”   
  
Steph strips a string from her celery and ties it in a knot with her tongue like a cool person. “By the way, do you think I can have a couple more pairs of your guys’ underwear? I’m trying to save up for a car.”   
  
Tim makes a face. “That’s disgusting.”   
  
“Says the rich boy. We poor people need to  _ work _ for our money.”   
  
Dick feeds Wally a potato chip. “We have a concert in Blüdhaven on Saturday,” Dick says, ignoring the underwear request. Wally winks at Steph behind his back, though, which is promising. She’ll raid their suitcases later. “But Kori and Donna want to do a double date Friday night, so we’re leaving early to head out to Jersey City.”   
  
“Why Jersey City?” Tim asks, accepting the saliva-drenched celery ring Steph gives him.    
  
“There’s a comic convention there that day,” Wally explains. “It’s the only place we could think of that would let us use disguises. Besides a Ren Faire, I guess, but Dick is afraid of centaurs.”   
  
“They’re  _ unnatural.” _   
  
“They’re not  _ real.” _   
  
“And yet people dress up as them anyway. Check and mate, bitch.”   
  
Tim double-dips his celery in the peanut butter like a heathen. “You two are exhausting. I almost wish you were public just so you could be in love somewhere else.”   
  
“That’s not our fault,” Dick says with a shrug. “Blame the homophobic music label. Personally, I’d love to be public. At least then I could stop changing the pronouns in all of my love songs.” He squeezes Wally’s hand. “But I don’t mind being undercover.”   
  
Wally smiles. “Everyone knows secret agents have the best romances.”   
  
“Pretty crappy agents,” Steph says. “You do realize you were almost caught last week, right? They got a clip of you two getting handsy on camera at Madison Square Garden.”   
  
“Really?” Dick says. “I thought I was being so discreet.”   
  
Wally snorts. “You wouldn’t know discreet if it bit you on the ass.”   
  
Tim pulls up the video on his phone and shows them. The clip shows the Titans onstage, the stadium around them doused in neon purple and blue lights. Roy is in the middle of his solo for their most recent single, “Cupid’s Arrow,” while Dick and Wally linger at the back behind Garth. Dick’s hand is on Wally’s shoulder, his fingertips creeping under his jacket. He leans in closer, whispering something in Wally’s ear and nibbling on his earlobe. Wally’s hand is suspiciously close to Dick’s thigh.    
  
The video is just blurry enough that the details could pass as innocent at first glance, but it’s close.   
  
Dick scoffs. “We’ve done  _ way  _ worse than that before. Remember that time in Miami when you grabbed my ass onstage and—”   
  
“I don’t want to hear this story,” Tim says, covering his ears. “I still have my innocence.”   
  
“Yeah, because you and Steph get to be a boring old married couple in public,” Dick shoots back. “We don’t have that luxury. We’re restless souls in a cesspool of love.”   
  
“That’s a good song title,” Wally says.   
  
“Restless souls?”   
  
“Cesspool of love.”   
  
“Babe, you’re a genius.”   
  
Tim makes vomiting noises.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> *deep sigh* 
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
